Death and Taxes. The only two things we can be sure of in this life.
Trigger warning – this blog discusses the subject of preparing for dying and death. If you have recently experienced a bereavement and need support please consider contacting an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Support – details can be found here Home - Cruse Bereavement Support.
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It was Benjamin Franklin who said “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes” and he certainly wasn’t wrong. Despite the inevitably of death, none of us (me included) like to think about dying, or about the death of a loved one. Our failure to lean into this difficult subject is the cause of much hardship for those who are left and so, with your mortality at the forefront of your mind, I have a question for you. Have you really thought about, and I mean really, really thought about what the people you love will have to deal with when your gone? I’m going to bet you haven’t, or if you have that you cannot truly comprehend the magnitude of the administrative burden that falls upon them at a time when they are most vulnerable and sad.
Full disclosure, I am one of those people – I have not given enough thought to dying and death. I haven’t thought about my own passing, and I’ve not through how I will manage if I am left alone. Of course you would expect as the leader of an advice agency that I might have a Last Will and Testament, and perhaps even a Lasting Power of Attorney so if I lose my mind someone can handle my money and find me a nursing home – and you’d be right, I do have those things and I hope you do too, but I know now that opening the envelope to reveal the last wishes of loved one simply sets off the starting pistol for the fight that is to come and here’s why.
Let me explain.
Recently a friend of mind lost her husband unexpectedly, the circumstances are tragic but personal so not for sharing here. The point is, she is a very resourceful woman but what she’s endured these last few weeks is unimaginable to many of us. Let me give you just one example of the many conversations she has had across different jurisdictions and time zones. The conversation I’ve chosen to share is with an airline who is the carrier for a dream holiday she and her husband were planning to take in just a few weeks’ time. The goal in contacting them is to cancel the flights and seek reimbursement of the cost.
……after 10 mins of holding to speak with a human and a further 10 mins to get through the security questions the conversation went like this …
Call operator: M’am I need the flight number and order number.
Bereaved caller: Yes, of course, I only have the one device so could I just ask you to hold for a second whilst I take the phone from my ear and find the email please?
Airline Guy: M’am, I can hold for one minute only, I have other customers who need my help, I cannot stay on this line.
Bereaved caller: I understand, if you could just bear with me, my husband dealt with all of this so I am struggling a little, he only died three weeks ago.
Airline Guy: M’am you are not my only customer; other customers are waiting for me.
And so, the conversation went on. A request to lodge a complaint about the behaviour of Airline Guy resulted in signposting to the airline website to complete an on-line form - something else for the bereaved caller to do at a time when she is struggling to get through the day. In the end, he disconnected the call. A cold, hard stop. Silence. No solution offered.
And it does not stop there. When someone dies those who are left need to become detectives at a time when they are paralysed with grief, no available band-with for such complicated and multi-faceted conversations. Watching this unfold as I did, here are my top tips to make your death and my death as easy as possible for the people you and I will leave behind.
Make a Will
If you haven’t got a Will, why not? Sort it out. It does not need to be fancy, you can buy a template on-line for less than £10 but if you’re going to do it yourself do your research and know that if you don’t get the signature right, if you get a divorce or married after making the will it will be revoked. This means it will be invalid unless it was made in contemplation of the marriage or the divorce happening imminently. Be aware if your arrangements are particularly complex you may need professional help to get it right. Solicitors’ fees can vary significantly so ring around for quotes before deciding where to take your business. You can expect to pay anything from £250 to £1000. For more information check out Making a will - Citizens Advice
Your body
Be clear about what you want to happen to your body. You can write this in the Will or express your wishes in a letter to be left with your Will. If you choose the letter option, note this is not legally binding but if you trust someone enough to appoint them as an Executor you can hopefully be reasonably confident they’ll follow through on your wishes. If it’s important, and you really don’t want to leave it to chance, then get it written in the Will.
Before you die
Consider creating Lasting Power of Attorney so if you lose your mind someone can pick up your financial affairs and choose a nice nursing home for you! Lawyers typically charge up to £2,500 to do this and, whilst it is complicated form, and many people choose to use a lawyer (including myself), it is possible to do it yourself which will limit the cost to £82 per registration. You can find out more here Managing affairs for someone else - Citizens Advice
Beyond the basics
Be sure to leave account numbers, access information, contact numbers to not just your assets like bank accounts and life policies, but also for your debts and household expenses so your loved ones can easily make the phone calls they need to make. This is the stuff people overlook. It is ok showing them where the money is, but how do they contact the mortgage company or the landlord to tell them you’ve died? To overcome this problem in my own life I’ve bought a journal which has the snappy title of “I’m dead, it’s your problem now” which cost less than £15. In the journal there are pages to record everything from the gas and electric companies and account numbers through to the log-ins for my social media accounts, as well as notes for my loved ones if I’m so inclined. It offers a single place of truth, clearly marked and it gives the micro detail of my affairs up front and centre so my loved ones don’t need to play detective. Is it a chore to collate the information and write it down – I’m not going to lie - yes! Is it an important thing to do – sure is. Is it worth the time? Definitely. Do I think you should do it? You bet I do.
Got a business?
If you run a business think long and hard about what you want to happen to the business. Do you expect those who are left to continue the business, to sell it or to run it down? Do they have the know-how to do it? Importantly, do they want to do it? There will be a myriad of information you know about your business that you’ve never ever told anyone, not an intentional denial of information but something you’ve not thought about until this very moment. How do you make it easy for those who are left to work it through? You probably need the business equivalent of a journal entitled “I’m dead, now it’s your problem!”. Go find it, write it down.
Keep it up to date
And of course, once you have done this work remember to keep it up to date. It’s highly unlikely you will have the same broadband provider, car or savings accounts in ten years’ time so keep going back to the journal and updating the information as you go through life.
Grief is painful
If you do all of this, your loved ones will still grieve, they will still be sad, they will still be overwhelmed and it will be still be hard. There will be emails to be sent, letters to be posted, more conversations to be had than you can imagine right now but if you organise the paperwork, if you firmly set the trail now and have everything in order, someone other than your bereaved loved one could take some of the strain and make it just a little bit easier.
And if you come across a grieving person, do more than the minimum, do not rush them, blindside them, or overpower them when they are feeling powerless. Take them in your arms (metaphorically of course) and protect them, make it just a little easier for them.
Don’t be “Airline Guy”. Be better than Airline Guy.
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To Note:
Nothing in this blog constitutes professional legal advice, it is simply a collection of my thoughts following a challenging time for a dear friend. It’s intended to give you food for thought, for more information about What to do after a death - Citizens Advice and Dealing with the financial affairs of someone who has died - Citizens Advice check out these links and if you do need professional help visit your local Citizens Advice Find your local Citizens Advice - Citizens Advice or Find a Solicitor - The Law Society
Finally, as per the opening trigger warning if you’ve been affected by any of the issues discussed in this blog please know that there’s lots of help available to you, to include bereavement counselling from organisations like Cruse Home - Cruse Bereavement Support.